Coping
by turtle1227
Summary: Rachel has no chance in hell in getting into NYADA now, after choking at the biggest audition of her life. What does she do to cope?


**Set in season 3, NO FABERRY, all Finchel, pure suckiness, invloves cutting. **

* * *

Rachel wasn't the prettiest girl; she knew that, and was fine with it.

She didn't believe that beauty could be defined in one way. A certain idol of hers taught her that.

And while she could be a little insecure at times about her nose, for the most part, her looks didn't bother her.

What did bother her, however, was the fact that she choked at the most important audition of her life, the audition that could very well seal her fate.

There was no chance in hell that she would get in to NYADA now.

All her hard work over the years, all for nothing.

Of course, she had Finn, and there was always next year.

She still planned to move to New York with her best gay, and her fiancée.

She didn't know if she could live with the humiliation, though.

Kurt nailed his audition, and Rachel couldn't have been prouder of him.

She'd been through some crap in her life, but Kurt had been through the worst.

She just didn't know if she would be okay, waking up every morning and saying goodbye to her best friend that was heading off to the school she'd been dying to get in to.

She was usually very good at shaving her legs.

Not a single hair could be found on them, and she hadn't cut herself in years.

But today she was unfocused, and she felt a wave of surprise wash over her as she realized she was bleeding.

It was a small scratch, nothing big, but it almost scared her as she watched the red liquid trickle down her leg.

And what surprised her even more? She felt herself enjoying it.

She set the razor down on the ledge and stared at it for awhile. She wasn't done yet, but she couldn't find the energy to start shaving again.

_Enough of this._ She snapped at herself.

She picked up the razor and began shaving again.

Once she finished, she couldn't find it within herself to let the razor go.

One tiny cut. What harm would that do?

And so she made one tiny cut on her thigh.

She felt a tingling sensation for a moment, but then it vanished, and she felt the urge to get that feeling back.

She made another cut, this one bigger, and she suddenly wondered if this was what getting high felt like.

All the worry and stress she'd been feeling for the past few weeks...

Gone.

But to Rachel, it didn't feel like she was harming herself. No, to her, she was relieving her anxiety.

That's how Rachel Berry became a cutter.

And that's how Rachel Berry slowly spiraled head first into a long and vicious depression.

* * *

"Rach, you love me, right?"

She giggled nervously. "Of course. Why?"

"And..." Her fiancée struggled for words.

"You trust me?"

Rachel bit her lip. "Finn, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

He looked like he was biting back tears.

"I need you to tell me the truth. Kurt and Mercedes...they said they had a sleepover with you the other night."

She nodded.

"They said they saw some cuts on your arms and legs. They...they have an idea on what's going on, but they're wrong. I know they are. You would never hurt yourself."

He sounded like he was just trying to reassure himself.

Before she could say anything, a tear trickled down her cheek, and she realized she just gave her secret away.

"Rach..." Finn's voice sounded tearful and pained.

Rachel couldn't help it anymore. All this time, she'd acted like she was fine, and content. She thought everyone had consistent thoughts of hurting or even killing themselves.

She thought everyone believed they had nothing to live for.

"Rachel, I am so, _so _sorry for not noticing and just..." Finn fumbled for words, not caring that a few tears ran down his cheeks.

He engulfed her in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry."

This was the first thing she'd said in awhile, and Finn was just glad to hear her voice.

"I know...that it might be hard to quit, but please Rach, you have to try. I love you too much to let you keep doing this to yourself."

She didn't respond, but hugged him tighter.

Finn felt guilty, and he knew the road ahead of them would be tough, but they could get through it.

Rachel was the strongest person he knew, and he made a vow to do whatever he had to do to cure her of this.

But for now, he just hugged her tighter than he'd ever done before, and swore to himself that he'd never let her go.

* * *

**Sorry for this, folks. I know it's OOC and there's not enough detail and it's short...and just, wow. So many things wrong. **

**But thanks for reading!**


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